There is a lady named Carolyn Hax who writes a blog in a NY newspaper. She is very funny and every December she features one column called "The Hootenanny of Holiday Horrors". Each one features a hilarious "modified" Christmas song by her dad and stories sent in by various folks. Here's my favorite horror story from the 2009 collection.

I was about 9 or 10 and had just gotten the Barbie Townhouse for Christmas. It had a really bright orange roof.

That same year, an elderly Aunt had asked for a self-defense compressed gas key chain fob for her gift, and someone was insane enough to buy it for her.

Picture the family gathered in the living room after dinner. Kid playing, cat chasing ribbon, adults chatting, elderly aunt messing around with key fob... and PPPPSSSSSSTTTT!

Room fills with bluish haze. Several people are yelling. People begin rushing about flinging open windows (in Philly, the usual just-above-freezing Christmas rain). Kid in hysterics because orange roof is now covered in blue spots. And a terrified, asthmatic cat hiding under a table wheezing.

Ah, Christmas memories! (And those stupid blue spots never did come off my dollhouse.)
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And my favorite mangled Christmas Carol comes from the 2010 collection.

Pops's Night Before Christmas
2010 Edition

'Twas the night before Christmas
And faces are droopy.
Our secrets are leaking,
The economy's poopy

The stockings were out there,
Same as last year.
Same stockings, same place;
Less in them, I fear.

The kids were in blankets
Thrown over their beds.
The glow of their iPods
Could be seen through the threads.

So Ma's in her kerchief,
And I'm in my bonnet.
Did we really wear that stuff?
I wouldn't bet on it.

When out on the lawn
There was a commotion
I stuck out my head
And splashed on some lotion.

Away to the window
I flew like a bat;
Stepped on my slippers,
Or was it the cat?

The moon on the breast
Of the new-fallen snow
Lit up the yard
Where the dandelions grow.

When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear?
The same sled again?
With the same reindeer?

Reindeer yes,
Or appeared to be--
These are temps, you see,
They're short on money.

The little old driver
had a big white beard;
the glow from his laptop
made his face look weird.

More rapid than eagles?
No, not these guys.
Instead of reindeer,
They were dogs in disguise.

On Rover, on Fido,
On Squiggles and Fluffy,
On Billy, on Hillary,
On Cuddles and Muffy.

To the top of the porch,
Then over the wall.
"Hang on, guys!" said Santa,
"Don't let me fall!"

As dry leaves before
The wild leaf-blower fly,
And get to the street,
As the leaf truck goes by,

So up to the housetop
The dog team did haul--
The sled, Santa,
the toy bag and all.

And then in a twinkle ...
Is that the right word?
There's one other meaning,
As maybe you've heard ...

As I took a step back
And was turning my head,
Down the flue shot the red guy.
"Why not the door?" I said

He was dressed all in fur
From his top to his bottom.
Moths? Ah yes.
I'm sure he's got 'em.

A bundle of toys
He'd flung on his back.
Some were adult,
Those were wrapped in black.

His eyes, how they twinkled,
His dimples, how merry--
The Botox worked wonders
And so did the sherry.

His droll little mouth
Was drawn up like a bow.
How did he do that?
We'd all like to know.

The stump of a pipe
He held tight in his teeth
Which tobacco had stained
Above and beneath.

He had a broad face
And his belly was round.
His daily nutrition
Was always unsound.

He was chubby and plump,
A right jolly old guy;
His elves were much smaller,
About ten inches high.

With a wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head
He checked his iPhone,
"I'm late!" he said.

He reached in his pack
With both of his hands;
Out tumbled all
The most popular brands.

He spoke not a word,
but finished his task,
Then he texted his elves
and refilled his flask.

He placed all the toys,
and checked his GPS.
Quickly he punched in.
The next address.

He crawled to his sleigh,
To his team gave a shout:
"Got miles to go, doggies,
So get the lead out."

But I heard him exclaim
As he waved his hat,
"This outfit, I wonder,
Does it make me look fat?"
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You can pick any year from 2000 to 2010 on this page http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv...x-holiday.html.

Think your family has a weird holiday tradition? Read some of the Hootenanny posts and learn about the Christmas Death Chair tradition. Or the annual retelling of the year "I flushed the bag of weed and smashed the glass pipe with the flat side of my cleaver and tossed it into the fireplace.". Then there is the exploding turkey and resulting fireball... Or the gift of real reindeer poop shellacked and mounted on a plaque and passed around from year to year. Or the drunken fight between mom and dad when mom said "I'll kill you just like I did my first husband" and none of the kids knew there had been another husband. Turned out there was and he had been found dead in a closet... It just keeps getting better and better.

Anything that has happened at your holiday get togethers can probably be topped in Carolyn's blog and if not, there is a link at the bottom of each section where you can send her YOUR holiday disaster story!

Enjoy. Anyone want to share their own disaster here???